Dont think...
dont feel...
just wait...

Hi all.....
3 days and counting to see and hold my baby..
we are mucking thru our struggles.. and seem to be progressing even if it is just baby steps.. i am still wondering about me.. i feel myself slipping to the old me.. to the me who is scared to be open and vulnerable.. i cant go there.. i just cant... i need to be strong and stop it before i get cold and hard.. this day i am going to try harder.. i hope when i see her and can hold her i can feel that she really does still want me.. maybe she will want to need me again.. maybe we can be who we were..
just maybe i can make her happy again..

so here i sit completely exhausted for stupid dumb reasons.. really need to call the doc... about sleeping.. yet i am scared dont want to go back taking pills again... i dont want to become the person in my past... but that to seem inevitable.. someday i think it woud be easier to just give up... i hate that the thought has even crossed my mind... i feel like sometimes no matter what i do or where i go i am just going to be someone who is not wanted anymore... yet in reality i know i am.. so many thoughts but do i share an become an open book again or do i hide and become strong again...
on a lighter note 4 more days til i see my girl.. i am excted but i am more nervous... i fear this will be the last visit there... but it is my issue and no one elses.. things are not the same and i wonder if they ever will be.... i am feeling i am not who i am but who i was... and i hate that me.. that me was wished dead... yet i feel the me i am is running away.. i dont know where to go or where to turn... do i spill it here and hope things change.. No i cant do that.. she deserves better than that... so i will stop and let the thoughts sit... hope that they and i will go away.. to a happy lace again..
4 more days.. til i can hold my baby... 4 more days til i can feel again...

Today.. it seemed that all i wanted to do was cry and not for any particular reason... Today i want to just run and hide from everyone everywhere and stop feeling... i am so tired of feeling..
feeling happy, feeling sad, feeling angry... i am just tired of it all.... honestly i feel myself buliding walls in which i wonder if they will ever be brought down again.. more that that i wonder if she will think i am worth it anymore to break the walls.....

today i just want her arms and her heart and i wonder if they will ever be mine again....

today i feel.......